Breaking News: Perfect President Donald Trump is under investigation, as if he could possibly do something wrong. Nevertheless, special counsel Robert Mueller is investigating Russian interference in the 2016 election.
Star pupil that he is, Trump has completed the written answers Mueller requested. He completed them on time, with perfect penmanship, and with only two doodles that could be considered crude – but you can only see the image when the paper is turned sideways. He’s a professional, after all.
“I write the answers. My lawyers didn’t write answers,” Trump eloquently bragged with a flip of his yellow wisps. “I was asked a series of questions, I answered them very easily.”
While Trump repeatedly stated that his legal team has not been involved in helping him write his responses to Mueller because the questions were so simple, he does seem concerned. “You have to always be careful when you answer questions…I’m sure [the questions are] tricked up, because, you know, they like to catch people.” Yes, liars. They like to catch liars. Those kinds of people should be concerned.
However, despite answering the questions “easily,” Trump hasn’t submitted the completed answers to Mueller’s office. But why should he be confined to deadlines and expectations? He’s the leader of the free world, and if he wants to take an exorbitant amount of time to respond to some simple questions (like the cable company and Linda from HR), then so be it.
He’s protesting, which is his right as an American citizen. Still, because Mueller and the liberal news media won’t lay off, we’re providing a list of possible excuses President Trump can use to push back the deadline while exhibiting his great power.
- He wrote the answers in Russian and is worried Mueller won’t be able to read them. But that doesn’t mean he secretly communicates with Russians…
- He was playing golf and lost track of time.
- He sneezed and accidentally used the paper with the answers as a tissue.
- He was about to tweet all the answers and decided to email them instead, but still needs to find time to copy and paste them from his Twitter drafts to his email.
- He answered the questions, but his Secret Service agent’s dog ate them. Not his dog. Because he’s the first president in recent history to not have one. Which isn’t shady at all.
“There should have never been any Mueller investigation because there was never anything done wrong,” Trump said. “There was no collusion – there never has been.” We understand your disagreement, Trump. Flex those protester muscles!
Eventually, though, you’ll have to submit the answers. You might as well get this “witch hunt” over with and prove those bastards wrong.
Illustration by Sam Roth.
Link to Original Article here.