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Trump did not commit a crime and you can’t change our minds

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In breaking, allegedly not #fakenews, Fox News legal analyst Andrew Napolitano has said that federal prosecutors have evidence President Trump committed a crime.

Now hold it right there. Fox News, as the second-best news outlet in the world, is amazing. Due to his choice in news outlet affiliation, Napolitano seems like a stand-up guy. It also sounds like he can make a great bowl of pasta, which is another win. The overarching opinion on legal analysts in general? That remains to be seen.

But one thing is certain: Trump is an angel. Our gorgeous, brave Commander-in-Chief hasn’t done anything wrong in his entire career. Except for whenever he fired audience favorite contestants on “The Apprentice,” but we’re trying to move past that. The point stands: he’s perfect, so he certainly couldn’t have committed a federal crime. Or even a non-federal crime. Or even taken more than one free sample at the grocery store.

Still, Napolitano persisted with his apparent truth bomb claims, reporting during a live broadcast on Fox News, “Career prosecutors here in New York have evidence that the President of the United States committed a felony by ordering and paying Michael Cohen to break the law.”

His definitely fictional comments came just hours after Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison for a series of crimes he committed while working as Trump’s personal fix-it man. But what could he have really done? Cohen was busy trimming trees and fixing blinds and stuff.

Nevertheless the left-wing media claims that Cohen did not, in fact, fix things around the White House with a Bob the Builder tool set like may have been imagined. Instead, he worked to fix Trump’s already-dazzling, not broken reputation.

Cohen’s recent sentence apparently stems from eight federal charges Cohen pleaded guilty to in August. Among them, Cohen admitted to violating campaign finance law by paying off two women who alleged to have had affairs with Trump more than a decade ago. What can we say? He’s a ladies’ man.

Trump comes into this dirty, dirty picture because he allegedly paid Cohen to commit these crimes. Napolitano said, “You pay someone to commit a crime, they commit the crime. You are liable, criminally liable for the commissions of that crime.”

Understandably, this is all a lot to process for anyone. Not that anything could ever happen to Trump. Haven’t you guys ever heard of diplomatic immunity? He can do anything he wants without consequence. At least we’re pretty sure that’s how that works.

But even if the worst-case scenario happens, we’ll stand by Trump until the fiery end.

 

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