Republicans come out on top in America’s most notorious swing state


Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Nearly two weeks after the November 6 election, Florida finally gets their act together, breaks out the abacus, and figures out how to count. In a state with a long history of razor-thin margins, the literal right candidates – the Republicans – came out on top, officially winning the state’s governor and Senate races.

Florida is almost evenly divided politically, much like the heated division between Apple and Android users. Except in that debate, Apple clearly comes out on top (Hashtag not sponsored. Hashtag but would like to be.).

In what was already a high-profile election, problems with tabulation machines, lost absentee ballots, missed deadlines, and a crap-ton of excuses turned the election spotlight to Florida. Democrats may have fought hard, but it wasn’t enough to beat the good guys in the recount.

For the Senate seat, Senator Bill Nelson conceded to Governor Rick Scott, admitting a horrible defeat. President Trump reportedly sent Senator Nelson a “good riddance” Edible Arrangement, and congratulated Scott the best way he knows how, via Twitter.

He wrote, “[Scott] was a great Governor and will be even a greater Senator in representing the People of Florida.” In their own celebration, roughly half of the state went outside to release celebratory balloons and set off confetti cannons while the other half griped about the environment being destroyed. Obviously the fun ones were the Republicans.

In the governor race, Andrew Gillum conceded to Ron DeSantis, offering congratulations and emphasizing literally the lowest possible expectations he had in tabulating the results.

“We wanted to make sure that every single vote… as long as it was a legally cast vote, we wanted those votes to be counted,” Gillum said.

The win is astounding news for our fearless Commander and Chief, confirming that the Republicans will control the state government apparatus for the 2020 election. In the 2000 presidential election, Florida’s Electoral College contest was decided by just 537 votes.

According to insiders, upon hearing the news, Trump was seen jamming out to DJ Khaled’s “All I Do Is Win” and raiding the White House kitchen’s candy pantry. Since this news broke, Trolli’s Sour Brite gummy worm sales are up 118%, another win in Trump supporting the economy.

Even with the Democrats trying to steal the election with, according to President Trump, “a big corruption scandal,” everyone here at Foxworth News can agree that this outcome proves that any party who allegedly participates in voter fraud is going down.

Illustration by Kei Tran.

Link to Original Article here

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