Being President of the United States of America is perhaps the most important job to ever exist in the history of the world ever. If you’re like us, you’re always looking for ways to emulate President Trump. We decided the easiest way to do that is to break down a day in his life so we can incorporate activities from his routine into our own schedules. In this edition, take a look at how President Trump spent Thanksgiving Day. Don’t forget to take notes.

9:00am: Trump started the day with a press gaggle at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. The gaggle should not be confused with a “gobble.” That’s the noise made by the millions of birds murdered prior to America’s celebration of thankfulness over starting to infiltrate the land of Native Americans.

9:12am: Trump reveals that he’s grateful for the same exact things we are: him and the “tremendous impact” he has had on the country. Trump said, “This country is so much stronger now than it was when I took office.” It’s true. Even my sister started lifting weights.

9:23am: As the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade continues on the streets of New York City, a White House staffer whispers into Trump’s ear that NBC just aired a same-sex kiss on the program. Trump momentarily turns pale and shudders.

9:37am: Trump blames journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death on “the world” because it’s a “vicious, vicious place.” Other things the “world” is guilty of: the economy, obesity, and 90’s fashion.

10:35am: After the gaggle, Trump donned his water wings and headed to the nearby Coast Guard Station. He spoke to about 100 officers who were thrilled to be in the presence of absolute greatness, their fearless leader and Commander in Chief.

10:48am: Trump took note of their Thanksgiving feast, comprised of large sandwiches and chips. He commented, “I had hoped that the food this year would be better.”

11:16am: Trump left the officers so they could enjoy their delicious, government-funded lunch. Meanwhile, he ate his own lunch, devouring a bunch of gobbles with all the fixings – including a pie that perfectly matched his beautiful complexion.

12:23pm: Trump demands that his vehicle pull over so that he can get a selfie with an alligator.

12:25pm-4:17pm: The President spent private time at Trump International Golf Course, doing what we can only imagine was incredibly important, critically urgent tasks.

There’s a long way to go for the common man to achieve the level of confidence, admiration, self-discipline, and air of mystery that Trump was able to exhibit in one day. He’s one of the most amazing and respected men in the world for a reason.

But at least now we all have a place to start: speak louder, criticize sandwiches (especially if they didn’t come from a Trump kitchen), and vanish for blocks of time so people wonder what important things you’re up to.

Illustration by Pan.

Link to Original Article here.